Oh Jenny

I have to say this particular subject has not been the easiest to write about. I have long loved clothing, but a deep malaise is hanging over my wardrobe. I have also blamed my hair. The real issue is my weight…

I usually have no real problem with the way I write. I seem to have the whole ‘stream of consciousness’ thing down pretty pat. I don’t fool myself that I am a deep intellectual when it comes to my thoughts on fashion/movies/books or whatever else I get to write about. But I have to say this particular subject has not been the easiest to write about.

I usually work things out in my head (what I want to say) and then just sit down and write them. I know that it shows (that that is the way I write) – but in this instance my internal dialogues have been going on WAY too long. And I realise the subject is a complicated and difficult one for me.

I have long loved clothing. It has meant much more to me than just things that keeping me warm, and make me socially acceptable. I am not particularly trend driven, and have always been very interested in my OWN sense of style – and what that means (that means always black, layered and deconstructed). Maybe I am a very visual person.

I know that some people have little interest in their clothing above the practical, but that has never been me. My Mother still laughs that I would go horse riding (as I did all through my teens) dressed as if I were going out on a date, and I have never understood the concept of ‘dressing down’. I wear the same clothes out to a fashion event as I do to pick up the children.

I love Zambesi designer Liz Findlay’s ethic that if we own beautiful things they should be for wearing ALL the time, not just once or twice for special occasions. My children, family and friends are quite used to me, and all quite aware I do it entirely for my own amusement.

But a deep malaise is hanging over my wardrobe. Clothes that I love are just hanging in the back of my wardrobe. I keep going back to the same 5 or 6 things and trying to wear them in various different combinations to hide the fact I keep wearing the same damned thing. I have pretended to myself that it is because I am bored with my clothes, that I need new things. That only works when you can find things you like, which I can’t at present.

I have also blamed my hair. Yep – my hair. After 30 years of short, cropped hair, I grew it out to find I now have curly shoulder-length hair! Three years on, I still dislike my hair – it doesn’t feel like ‘me’. I feel like I have had a perpetually bad hair day for the last 3 years. But I know if that were really the case – I would have just cut my hair by now.

The real issue is my weight. The feminist in me has an awful lot of issue with that statement. I grew up in a household where the word ‘fat’ was a bad one. I grew up being encouraged to ‘embrace my curves’ – and I thought I could when the time came. It appears that at 45 I can no longer keep the size 12/14 I have always been (no super slim size 8 was I ever). As I slide into a 16, I find I have no longer got any excuses for my expanding waistline. To look at my weight I have to look at the issues that got me here – and I really don’t want to.

I know 10 kilos is not a huge amount of weight – but as I realise it is harder and harder to lose, slowly adding to my weight every year is not something I want to happen. I have never had any real problem keeping my weight reasonably stable, but that was easy when I had a young family to chase around after, and I was in my 30s never thinking I would be anything other than what I was. I am quite sure I am just living with the consequences of growing older, and lazier – but I have been quite fascinated by the conversations these thoughts have provoked in the women and men around me.

To that end, I have started Jenny Craig. I would love to tell you it is for deep philosophical reasons, but it is because I just don’t like carrying that extra weight.

I was rather stunned to find out that most people that come to Jenny Craig fall neatly into that category; ten kilograms to lose. So I am going to let you know how I go, each week after I have had the weigh-in (dear lord – that sounds horrific). Let’s just see if this particular method works well and if losing that weight really does help…my only stipulation with this so very public article – is there will be NO before and after photos. I am sure you won’t mind…

By Anya Brighouse 5 July 2011.